Man From the USSR & Other Plays Read online

  Hello. It’s no good having those stairs going right down from the door.

  OSHIVENSKI

  Beg pardon?

  KUZNETSOFF

  It’s treacherous—particularly if the customer is already tipsy. He’ll come crashing down. You’d better do something about it.

  OSHIVENSKI

  Well, you know, there’s not much you can do—after all, this is a basement, and if I start setting up a platform there—

  KUZNETSOFF

  I was told that Baron Taubendorf is working as a waiter here. I’d like to see him.

  OSHIVENSKI

  That’s absolutely correct—he’s already been with me for two weeks. Maybe you’d like to sit down—he should be here any minute. Fyodor Fyodorovich, what time is it?

  KUZNETSOFF

  I don’t feel like waiting. You’d better tell me where he lives.

  FYODOR FYODOROVICH

  The Baron comes in at nine on the dot. For the opening curtain, so to speak. He’ll be here in a moment. Do sit down. Sorry about the boxes of nails on the chair...

  KUZNETSOFF

  (sits; a box falls down)

  Didn’t see it.

  FYODOR FYODOROVICH

  Don’t worry, I’ll pick them up. (drops to one knee in front of Kuznetsoff and begins picking up the scattered nails)

  OSHIVENSKI

  Some people find a certain charm in the fact that you enter by descending a flight of stairs.

  KUZNETSOFF

  All these props are no use. How’s business? Bad, I suppose?

  OSHIVENSKI

  Not so good.... Not many Russians around—well-to-do ones, I mean; there’s no shortage of poor ones, of course. As for the Germans, they have their own pubs, their own habits. So we struggle along as best we can. At first it seemed to me that the idea of a basement tavern...

  KUZNETSOFF

  Well, right now your tavern’s pretty empty. How much are your expenses?

  OSHIVENSKI

  On the high side, to be quite frank. I rent it, but you know how that goes—if I needed a basement for storage, there’d be one price, this way it’s another. And when you add on—

  KUZNETSOFF

  I’m asking you for an exact figure.

  OSHIVENSKI

  One hundred twenty marks. Plus tax, and what a tax....

  FYODOR FYODOROVICH

  (peeking behind the blind)

  And here’s the Baron!

  KUZNETSOFF

  Where?

  FYODOR FYODOROVICH

  I can tell by his legs. Remarkable thing, legs.

  OSHIVENSKI

  Besides, I had some bad luck with the wine. They got me to buy a batch that was supposed to be a bargain. Instead— (Taubendorf enters. He is wearing a hat but no coat. He is thin, has a clipped mustache, and is dressed in a worn but still elegant dinner jacket. He pauses on the top step, then comes rushing down.)

  KUZNETSOFF

  (getting up)

  Greetings, Kolya.

  TAUBENDORF

  I’ll be damned—great to see you! After all these winters, all these summers. More winters than summers....

  KUZNETSOFF

  No, it’s only been eight months. Hello, pal, how are you?

  TAUBENDORF

  Wait, let’s have a look at you.... Victor Ivanovich, treat him well—he’s a dear friend.

  OSHIVENSKI

  Off we go to the wine cellar, Fyodor Fyodorovich.

  (Oshivenski and Fyodor Fyodorovich go out the door on the right.)

  TAUBENDORF

  (laughing)

  My boss is a bit on the deaf side, but he’s a man of gold. All right, Alyosha, hurry, while we’re alone, tell me everything.

  KUZNETSOFF

  What’s wrong with you—why all the excitement?

  TAUBENDORF

  I want to hear the news....Are you here for long?

  KUZNETSOFF

  Hold on a moment. I just came from the station, and first of all I want to know...

  TAUBENDORF

  This is incredible! You’ve seen and done God only knows what, and God only knows what danger you’ve been in ... suddenly you reappear and, as if nothing had happened, there’s not a word out of you.

  KUZNETSOFF

  (sitting down)

  You’d probably like to see me wearing an operetta sword and gold braid. That’s not what it’s all about. Where is my wife living now?

  TAUBENDORF

  (standing in front of him)

  Fifty-three Hegel Street, Pension Braun.

  KUZNETSOFF

  I see. I rode over from the station to where she lived last time I was here. They didn’t know her address. Is her health all right?

  TAUBENDORF

  Yes, she’s fine.

  KUZNETSOFF

  I wrote her twice. Once from Moscow and once from Saratov. Did she get my letters?

  TAUBENDORF

  Yes, sir. The post office forwarded them.

  KUZNETSOFF

  And how is her financial situation? Do I owe you anything?

  TAUBENDORF

  No, she had enough to tide her over. She lives very modestly. Alyosha, I can’t stand it any longer—tell me—how is it going?

  KUZNETSOFF

  Right.... address, health, money.... What else was there? Oh, yes—She hasn’t gotten herself a lover, has she?

  TAUBENDORF

  Of course not!

  KUZNETSOFF

  Too bad.

  TAUBENDORF

  Besides, that’s a shocking question.... She’s such a darling, your wife. I’ll never understand how you could have left her....

  KUZNETSOFF

  Use your head, sweetheart, and you’ll understand. One other question: why are you wearing eyeliner?

  TAUBENDORF

  (laughing)

  Oh, that’s makeup. Very hard to get off.

  KUZNETSOFF

  What have you been up to today?

  TAUBENDORF

  Extra work.

  KUZNETSOFF

  What does that mean?

  TAUBENDORF

  At night I’m a waiter here, and during the day I’m a film extra. Right now they’re shooting an idiotic picture about Russia.

  KUZNETSOFF

  Now let’s get down to business. Everything is going fine. Comrade Gromov, whom by the way I’ll see at the Soviet Mission, has been hinting to me about a promotion, which, naturally, is very gratifying. But, as before, I am short of cash. This must be remedied: I have to meet with a whole lot of people here. Now listen—day after tomorrow Werner is coming in from London. You will give him this ... and this....

  (hands him two letters)

  TAUBENDORF

  Alyosha, remember what you promised me last time?

  KUZNETSOFF

  I do. But that’s not necessary for now.

  TAUBENDORF

  But I’m only a pawn. My job consists of such trifles. I’m not kept informed of anything. You refuse to tell me anything. I don’t want to be a pawn. I don’t want to play postman. You promised, Alyosha, that you would take me to Russia with you....

  KUZNETSOFF

  Don’t be a fool. So, you’ll give this to Werner, and also tell him—

  (Oshivenski and Fyodor Fyodorovich return with bottles.)

  TAUBENDORF

  Alyosha, they’re coming back....

  KUZNETSOFF

  ...that the price of nails is stable.... And be at my place tomorrow at eight. I’m at the Hotel Elysium.

  TAUBENDORF

  What’s tomorrow, Tuesday? Yes—fortunately tomorrow is my night off.

  KUZNETSOFF

  Splendid. We’ll have a chat, and then we’ll go look for some chicks.

  OSHIVENSKI

  Baron, give us a hand here. Soon people will start coming.

  (to Kuznetsoff) May I offer you some cognac?

  KUZNETSOFF

  Many thanks. I won’t refuse. How does one get to Hegel Street from here?r />
  OSHIVENSKI

  It’s right nearby: turn right, go three blocks, and you’re there.

  FYODOR FYODOROVICH

  (pouring the cognac)

  Hegelkinsky....

  TAUBENDORF

  Victor Ivanovich, I think you’re acquainted with Mr. Kuznetsoff's wife.

  KUZNETSOFF

  Allow me to introduce myself.

  OSHIVENSKI

  Oshivenski. (They shake hands.) Ouch! Excuse me, but I just hit my thumb with a hammer.

  KUZNETSOFF

  Oh, so you’re left-handed?

  OSHIVENSKI

  Yes, of course I know her. We met at Easter. My wife, Yevghenia Vasilyevna, and she are great friends.

  TAUBENDORF

  Listen, how did you guess that Victor Ivanovich was left-handed?

  KUZNETSOFF

  Which hand do you usually hold a nail with? You’re a real whiz kid....

  OSHIVENSKI

  So you’ve been out of town?

  KUZNETSOFF

  Yes, out of town.

  OSHIVENSKI

  Warsaw, wasn’t it? I think that’s what Olga Pavlovna said....

  KUZNETSOFF

  Yes, I visited Warsaw too. To your health.

  (Marianna enters. She is wearing a light-gray tailored dress, and has short hair. Her legs and lips immediately identify her as a Russian. She walks with a loose gait.)

  TAUBENDORF

  Your obedient servant, Marianna Sergeyevna.

  MARIANNA

  You’re an awful stinker, Baron. How come you didn’t wait for me? Moser gave me a lift back in his car, and there was room for you, too.

  TAUBENDORF

  Marianna dear, I was a wreck after the shooting—what with the klieg lights and the yelling and everything. And I was hungry.

  MARIANNA

  You could have warned me. I looked all over for you.

  TAUBENDORF

  I beg your forgiveness. The humble extra begs the forgiveness of the film star.

  MARIANNA

  No, I’m very hurt. And please don’t think the only reason I dropped in here was to tell you that. I need to make a phone call. Guten abend, Victor Ivanovich.

  OSHIVENSKI

  It’s time you stopped getting lovelier, Marianna Sergeyevna: the thing could assume monstrous proportions. Mr. Kuznetsoff, this famous film starlet lives in the same modest boardinghouse as your wife.

  MARIANNA

  How do you do. (nods to Kuznetsoff) Victor Ivanovich, may I use your phone?

  OSHIVENSKI

  To your heart’s content.

  (Marianna crosses to the door on the right, near which the telephone is located.)

  FYODOR FYODOROVICH

  I guess nobody wants to say hello to me.

  MARIANNA

  Oh, excuse me, Fyodor Fyodorovich. By the way, show me what I have to do to call out from here.

  FYODOR FYODOROVICH

  First you have to press the nipple—here, this little red button.

  KUZNETSOFF

  (to Taubendorf)

  Kolya, that’s what I call a real looker. Or else, as they also say, a classy broad, (laughs) An actress, is she?

  TAUBENDORF

  Yes, she and I are working together in a film. Only, I play the crowd and get ten marks, and she plays the Other Woman and gets fifty.

  MARIANNA

  (into the phone)

  Bitte, drei und dreissig, eins null.

  KUZNETSOFF

  Of course that isn’t the lead?

  TAUBENDORF

  No, the Other Woman always makes less than the heroine.

  KUZNETSOFF

  Last name?

  TAUBENDORF

  Tal’. Marianna Sergeyevna Tal’.

  KUZNETSOFF

  It’s convenient that she lives in the same boardinghouse. She can take me there.

  MARIANNA

  (into the telephone)

  Bitte, Fraulein Rubansky. Oh, it’s you, Lyulya. I didn’t recognize your voice.

  FYODOR FYODOROVICH

  I guess we can turn on the rest of the lights, Victor Ivanovich. Soon it’ll be ten o’clock.

  OSHIVENSKI

  If you want....I have a feeling nobody will come tonight.

  (Fyodor Fyodorovich turns on the remaining lights.)

  MARIANNA

  (into the phone)

  Nonsense. Where did you hear that? We finish shooting in a week—they’re in a terrible rush. Yes.

  TAUBENDORF

  Alyosha, forgive me if I ask: aren’t you the least bit anxious to see your wife?

  MARIANNA

  (into the phone)

  Oh, he’s such a pest.... What did you say? No, of course not.

  I can’t tell you now—I’m not alone here. Ask a question, and I’ll answer. Oh, you’re so silly—of course not. Yes, he usually drives himself, but not today. What did you say?

  KUZNETSOFF

  Actually, what do you care whether I'm anxious or not? Is she married?

  TAUBENDORF

  Who?

  KUZNETSOFF

  This one here....

  TAUBENDORF

  Oh, this one.... Yes, I think so. She lives alone, though.

  MARIANNA

  (into the phone)

  What a rotten thing! Did he really say that? (laughs) What? You have to hang up? Who’s keeping you from talking at your end? Oh, I see, I see... (with a lilt)Auf wiederse-e-ehn.

  KUZNETSOFF

  (to Marianna)

  You didn’t talk very much. I thought it would take longer.

  OSHIVENSKI

  (to Marianna)

  That’ll be twenty pfennigs. Thank you. First cash that’s come in today.

  MARIANNA

  (to Kuznetsoff)

  And why did you think it would take longer?

  KUZNETSOFF

  Can I buy you a drink?

  MARIANNA

  What do you take me for, a bar girl?

  FYODOR FYODOROVICH

  Bar the bar girls.

  KUZNETSOFF

  If you don’t want to you don’t have to. (to Taubendorf) So I’ll see you tomorrow, Kolya. Don’t be late.

  MARIANNA

  (to Kuznetsoff)

  Wait—let’s sit down over there. I guess I can spare a minute.

  FYODOR FYODOROVICH

  The huge hall was inadequate for the enormous crowd.

  OSHIVENSKI

  You know what, Fyodor Fyodorovich, be a good chap and turn off the big lamps, would you? It’s just an added expense.

  (He sits in a wicker chair by the bar and listlessly leafs through a newspaper. Then he grows pensive and yawns a couple of times.)

  TAUBENDORF

  (approaching the table, situated downstage, where Marianna and Kuznetsoff are seated)

  What is your pleasure? Some wine? A liqueur?

  KUZNETSOFF

  I don’t care. Make it a cherrya brandy.

  MARIANNA

  How odd: Olga Pavlovna never told me anything about you.

  KUZNETSOFF

  Good for her. Are you free tomorrow night?

  MARIANNA

  Do you really care to know?

  KUZNETSOFF

  In that case I’ll meet you at ten o’clock sharp in the hall of the Hotel Elysium. And bring Lyulya along too. I’ll be with Taubendorf.